What your teen's behaviour is actually asking for — and what to do about it
Use this card: Spot a behaviour → find the need below → try the response. Print and keep on your fridge.
"I feel overwhelmed and need relief"
Signal: Shutdown, avoidance, "I can't do this", emotional outbursts
✅ Do: Validate the feeling. Shrink the problem. "You don't need to feel ready. Let's just figure out the next 5 minutes."
❌ Don't: Pep talk ("You'll be fine"). Logic ("Here's why you're overreacting").
"I need to feel in control of something"
Signal: Arguments about rules, refusal to comply, pushing boundaries hard
✅ Do: Give one domain of real choice. "Here's what I can give you a say in. Here's what I need in return."
❌ Don't: "Because I said so." Escalate the power struggle. Take away all control.
"I need to feel seen and valued"
Signal: Withdrawal, monosyllabic answers, hiding in room, not eating with family
✅ Do: Create presence without agenda. Sit nearby. No questions. "I'm not going anywhere."
❌ Don't: Force conversation. Demand they "open up." Guilt-trip ("You never talk to me").
"I need space to be my own person"
Signal: Secretiveness, pushing against boundaries, wanting more independence
✅ Do: Set boundaries with a visible exit door. "Here's the condition for this limit to move. Show me, and we'll revisit."
❌ Don't: Tighten rules when they push. Make them feel trapped. Remove all freedom.
"I need to know I matter"
Signal: Dismissing praise, self-criticism, avoiding challenges, "I'm not good enough"
✅ Do: Specific process praise. "I noticed you kept going when it got hard. That's who you're building yourself into."
❌ Don't: Generic praise ("You're so smart"). Conditional affection ("I'm proud of you because...").